From Ms. to Mrs.

Let the record show that until very recently in my engagement to Zachary, I have not had a single ounce of worry in my heart about getting married.  I knew I wanted to marry Zach two months into dating- he knew before that, ask him about it. The worry in my heart isn’t even a real worry. It’s a surreal anxiety that I can’t control. I’m ready to shut it down.

Marriage is a big deal. It has been shocking to watch a lot of friends marry and divorce within five years. It’s sad and it is eye opening. Will my marriage fail? Will I be a bad wife? It’s hard to not ask myself those questions as I watch marriages around me but it is dooming me before I even begin.

My mind is constantly racing about what our first night, first week, first month, and first year is going to be like. Is it going to be tough? How am I going to give up all of my space and a lot of the free time that I have now? Will we fight? More?  Less?   It’s racing so much that I’m forgetting to live in the present. I’m forgetting to be aware of where I am at this time.  I’m getting wrapped up in all of the possibilities and my worries of the future that I’m forgetting to be here- where I am now. I want to be present in the bliss of the planning of the wedding and all of the mushy gushy things engaged people torture us all with.  I WANT to be that obnoxious person posting about wedding crafts and such. After all, it’s such a short period of time.

God is leading me. He’s heading me down a brand new path; one that may be quite sparkly and enriching but also dull and frightening at times. For someone who is a bit obsessive and who is quite the planner, that is terrifying. But He is constantly telling me things will be okay- to shut the devil out with all of his fear striking thoughts- and to trust that He is all knowing.

I would be lying if I told you I remember that every time I feel anxious.

But trust- I can do that.

This makes me think of a verse God has put it on my heart a lot lately and it’s worth writing down and remembering. This is from my Message //remix// version; forgive me if it’s a bit different from yours, but I love the simple language it is put in.

Ephesians 6:10-14(ish)

“God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the devil and all of his angels. Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet.”

You can correct me if I am wrong, but I believe this means the Devil will always be that aching anxiety in the back of my mind and I must use my bible and my faith to combat it. All of the stress and all of the worry I feel about getting married and my ever-changing future can be boiled down to nothing- I just need to keep my faith strong.

I can’t wait to become a Mrs.  A year ago I wasn’t- today I am. I have so many dreams about our future together; how can I not? I need to remember God has bigger plans for us than my dreams and I must trust that He knows what He is doing.  The only way to control my anxiety about the future is through faith, and through faith, all things are possible.